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  • Writer's pictureCoco de Bruycker

The way back home.

Today one year ago, on Father's Day, I found my way back home: to myself. I started praying every week. This is how I stopped sabotaging myself to be a brighter light to those who want to be seen.

Father's Day 2020 | Dear Quarantine Diary:

If I'm honest, I don't know if the title is going to refer to what I'm trying to say. I've been listening to Prince on "heavy rotation" during this quarantine and one of his songs is called the same, so... let's see where it takes us, shall we? I've always been looking for a place I can call home. Sure, I'm blessed with a wonderful one back in Mainz, Germany, where I grew up. And it's my family. Family is home —— to a certain degree. Mainz is a beautiful city: cozy, humble, courteous. I love Mainz. But I've never called it my actual home. I couldn't see myself and I was so hungry for people to hear, feel and see me. Today there are articles about me, TV reports but still: I don't think my Mainz gets me. It's not my home. It's a place I'm safe, a place I love and a place I know I can always return to whenever I'd need to. "Whatever happens, we'll pick you up!," my step-papa always jokes. I'm so grateful for having him, too. Happy Father's Day, Papa. When life doesn't give you a great father, just find yourself a new one. My mama did a great job at doing so for us. I'm so happy she's now happier than ever, really. Look at her shining! She's the light house of Mainz.

My way back home turned out to be longer than expected. When I was 17 I declared to myself:

From now on, I only keep in touch with people whose inner spark I can see.

I called them my Flame Friends. You discover a Flame Friend by them accepting you as you are. Radically. You can burst out laughing on the street. People stare and you don't mind. Flame Friends are very passionate and give everything, also to you, 100 percent of their attention. Flame Friends love to dance. Flame Friends know how to groove and be in the flow. I found some of my Flame Friends back in Hamburg, where I was born. I connected to artists. Most artists are Flame Friends and most of my Flame Friends are artists, they work for their soul's sake, that's why they shine brighter. So others can warm themselves on their luminous vision of this world.

I was so hungry for fire.

I was so hungry for more Flame Friends like them. Back home, in Mainz, I was living in a lonely world. So I took the midnight train to London. I made two more Flame Friends living there for a year. They sparked my appetite even more. But I wasn't quite sure what I was actually hungry for. What does it mean to carry a flame? What does it mean finding your purpose? Is there such thing?

It took me all the way to New York. A lit experience I had with Denzel Washington on Broadway (I wasn't acting with him, haha, yet), his Flame almost blinded me, he was so bright I wanted him to mentor me so badly, I even made a friend in his bodyguard. But that's another story.... I was still searching for more Flame Friends and most of all: I was looking for a home.

Father's Day 2019

Father's Day 2019 I spent in Los Angeles. It's my home. Not because of me or my achievements but because of all the Flame Friends who have gathered here. I knew I found my home when one of my Flame Friends invited be to church. "I don't know, I don't feel home at church to be honest, I like to have an open mind" I said. Church back in Germany is for many not a thing and for those who go a duty or tradition. I've noticed what most German churches lack of: A heart & a soul.

Oh, and if there's one thing you can trust your Flame Friends with, it's that: They know cool sh*t and most of all: They always do anything for a reason. So, yeah, I said, I have an open mind. I'll go try. On the seat at my Flame Friend's church I found a note. It turned out to me the envelopes for the tithes. It read in big bold letters: HOME.

So there I was: in the City of Angels. Loved, seen and surrounded by Flame Friends. Telling stories that touch souls at home (soon, my broadcast debut is yet to come!). Powered by God. I found my way to Faith on Father's Day 2019. I'd been doing the work in silence. But then I gave myself "radical permission" (Cassandra M. Bauer) to be myself. To love myself. I love the things I love, have you ever noticed how much you love the things you love? Doing what I love. Again: If I'm honest, I don't know why people do stuff they hate if they don't have a reason. Let's take maths for example. I hated maths in high school. I was miserable at it. But I made it through because that way I'd graduate. Purpose. Goal: Finishing freaking high school, so I can go leave for my way back home. I made it through. I feel like there are people who have neither: stuff they love nor purpose. the search is hard. We gotta do the work. And I get that: It's freaking hard searching. Finding yourself. I'm still on a journey myself but the difference is: effort. I'm searching for destination. Acting-Queen Uta Hagen says, destination makes your acting better, too. Destination gives days, words and steps purpose. On stage, screen and in life. A Thank You note to... This is a Thank You note to my Flame Friends for giving me a home. This is a Thank You note to my step-papa for loving me a daughter of his own flesh. This is a Thank You note to God, team player, master of the universe, for bringing us all together and blessing me with this wonderful life. Wow, Prince, what do you think? That was an interesting ride on my train of thoughts, huh? You're missed. Rest in Purple. We love you so. ——Coco

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